You may be interested to know that I have acquired a transcript from a 2004 board meeting at MLS headquarters that reveals exactly how this abomination of a marketing disaster came to fruition.
Have a read, and enjoy the absurdity. There's a nifty little chant further below for use at the next Whitecaps away viewing party.
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Don Garber: Well fellas, I've just got word that the supporters in the Pacific Northwest have created a trophy to celebrate their regional derby. As such, I'm devoting a vast majority of the league's resources to stealing it from them helping supporters protect their brand from devious third party interests who might seek to tarnish their silverware through vulgar corporate sponsorships. Our efforts will be a stealth operation, completely under the radar, and entirely unknown to the supporters we are fucking over valiantly defending. Our efforts are supported by important strategic partnerships with Blockbuster Video and several sub-prime mortgage lenders to ensure financial stability in the decades to come. Great idea, right? Well that's the kind of long-term thinking I want to see from you guys. So keeping that in mind, who has some ideas for expanding the league?
Suit #1: Maybe we should look to the Pacific Northwest then? There's great history there that goes back to the 1970s, and the clubs are well supported.
Don Garber: No, I think that's a bit premature. I think we need to spend a few years scheming to steal their cup observing their operations from afar before making any hasty decisions that could reflect poorly on the league.The last thing we want is to earn a bush league reputation when we're presently on par with the English Premiership in terms of international prestige.
Suit #2: Wait a second... you know who likes soccer? MEXICANS!
Suit #1: You're right, but... America is a country of 300 million people. How on earth are we going to sift through them all to find the Mexicans?
Don Garber: I hear the state of Arizona is also sifting though their population looking for Mexicans. Now why would they do such a.... OMFG! Are they starting their own league?
Suit #2: No! I have this all figured out! We go to LOS ANGELES! There are Mexicans in Los Angeles, and Major League Soccer will pander to reward this very important soccer-loving demographic!
Don Garber: But Los Angeles already has a team...
Suit #2: But they don't have a MEXICAN team for all the Mexicans!
Suit #1: He's right! This is a formula for success! Let's launch an expansion team in our FLAGSHIP MARKET and reap the rewards! After all, who wants to settle for one cookie when you can have two!
Suit #1: By cookie I think you mean "enchilada," don't you?
Uproarious laughter echoes into the night. Finally, an awkward silence settles in. Don Garber has a solemn look on his face. He's had a realization. He knows what needs to be done.
Suit #1: What is it Don?
Don Garber: There are two things we need to do to ensure this expansion effort makes good financial sense. First, we are not going to forge ahead with some new team of comprised of random Mexican players... oh, no. We are going to clone an EXISTING team from Mexico... one that already has a dedicated and committed fan base... and we are going to bring them to Major League Soccer.
Suit #2: I have every confidence that there is virtually noooo-oo-oo chance that this will alienate Los Angeles supporters of other Mexican clubs and polarize them against us. I am certain of this. Now what else, Dear Leader, what must be done?
Garber leans back in his seat and puts his feet up on the table. He lights a smoke and scratches his junk.
Don Garber: Our team of "MexiClones?" Yeah, they're gonna play in the SAME STADIUM as our flagship franchise. It's foolproof. I hope you boys enjoy counting money!
Fast forward to 2013 and imagine the crickets chirping:
Ouch.....
Which brings us to the chant du jour. It's a fun and silly tune that you'll recall from a bygone era when Seattle was slightly more tolerable than it is now, thanks largely to its music scene.
To the tune of "Peaches" - Presidents Of The United States Of America:
Movin' to the country, gonna beat a lot of Chivas
Movin' to the country, gonna beat a lot of Chivas
Movin' to the country, gonna beat a lot of Chivas
Movin' to the country, gonna beat a lot of Chivas
Chivas where are your fans?
What's with all those empty stands?
Oh Chivas it's a shaaaa-aaa-aaame
If I had my little way
I'd play Chivas every day
Oh Chivas it's a shaaaa-aaa-aaame
Cheers,
@johnniemonster
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